The Handbook For Shipping: Naruto Style
by Cold Fire Phoenix
Summary: A study in humor and sensibility. Suitable for all ages who handle tongueincheek, take things with pillars of salt, and enjoy a good amount of Barney Jokes. None yet but there could be.


The Handbook For Shipping: Naruto  
_a study in humor and sensibility_

_Naruto_ is a "very serious" shounen serial manga by Masashi Kishimoto (and a bunch of other dudes we won't talk about unless they, too, make it big and gain a following in the process, in which case they will lovingly inform us of getting their start with Kishimoto). The series contains roughly five hundred thousand named characters and countless celebrity walk-on's such as Michael Jackson and Cher. As one may deduce from the sheer number of characters, basically there is no limit to who or what you choose to ship, or in what circumstances. However, in the helpful manner of the eagle on the figurative air-prowl, a few basic guidelines to writing within the fandom as a whole have been loving laid down like law and yard lines.

To begin, a few key terms:

_Alternate Universe_: Not Canon. Meaning not shot through with holes or on a ship, pirate or otherwise. See also, "Space Ship" and "Classic 'What If' Scenario." Examples of common "Alternate Universe" scenarios can be classified as "high school fanfiction," "melting the angsty heart," or "running off to join the Akatsuki lair." Also known as "AU."

_Classic "What If" Scenario_: Taking an important turning point within canon and changing the outcome. Often produces happiness, angst, and changing genitalia. May or may not follow a "serious thought process."

_Canon_: What Kishimoto sent to press. Meaning, explicity what was shown (not rumored) or stated within the confines of the manga (or by Kishimoto). See also, "Personal Interpretation" and "Translation Differences."

_Het_: Slang for "Heterosexual," shorthand to imply different-sex relationships. According to some, this does not exist. Canonly, all parents are heterosexual pairings. A minor detail which sometimes gets between a "Yaoi" or "Yuri" fan and their "OTP."

_High School Fanficion_: A popular subset of "Alternate Universe" in which all the cast of Naruto is selectively placed in the modern context, aged according to what would make sense in a United States High School, strangely set in Japan. Ignores character death, oversimplifies relationships, and often runs on the concept of "teen engagements," "rape," and "the popular person falls for the seeming nobody."

_Mary Sue_: Your ideal ninja. Likely of your same gender. Most times with a horribly tragic past. Almost guarenteed to have great powers and be known by someone important in "Canon." See also, "Self Insertion."

_Melting the Angsty Heart_: A Naruto-literary device used to explain the sudden thawing of an emotionally distant character in a sudden, distinctively character-shifting manner. Often employed to generate sexual encounters, tender moments, and add evidence to global warming.

_OTP_: Shorthand for "One True Pairing." Generally signifies a relation"ship" and individual person holds above others - often persons have a few OTPs despite the technical meaning of "one."

_Personal Interpretation_: Yours differs from mine. Arguing otherwise is to bash one's head into a brick wall, which is both messy, and uses my tax dollars to clean up properly. If you don't pay taxes yet, you will. Then you'll understand.

_Plot_: Plot is best known as filler. In the case you are writing a lemon, plot is the space between consensual (we hope) sexual encounters. If you're more inclined to be less explicit, plot is what happens between "I love you"'s. If you're a fan of the dramatic tension of battle, plot is that thing between punches.

_Running Off to Join the Akatsuki_: A common "Plot" device to generate favorite character itneraction with the bloodthirsty members of the Akatsuki. "Mary Sue"s and "Self Insertion"s often explore joining the Akatsuki. A commonly held fan belief is Tenten sought to join, and after being turned into Tobi's bitch, left again - and no one noticed (neither the Akatsuki nor Konoha).

_Scanslation_: What tides us over week to week because America is still, sadly, not Japan. Or not so sadly - just those of us with a published material fetish would rather much wish Japan were, perhaps, America. Or whichever country of origin we reside within.

_Self Insertion_: How to directly make sure you either fangirl, or molest, the character(s) of your choice. See also, "Mary Sue."

_Serious Thought Process_: Writing with an ultimate goal of exploring aspects of the human experience, political environment of an author's modern moment, or college essays. Generally not employed for Fan Fiction.

_Ship_: An object carrying people or goods on water, or through space. Also slang for "relationship," normally assumed to be sexual or romantic in nature.

_Space Ship_: A pairing which occurs in the absence of all canon. Character personalities may or may not be intact; Character names inevitably are.

_Translation Differences_: What occurs from use of "Personal Interpretation" of the Japanese language. Amazingly, because Japanese is not English, French, Italian, Greek, Spanish, or, well, anything other than Japanese, the direct translation would A) make no sense to different grammatical and structural styles (ex. English vs. Spanish) and B) still not be "the ultimate translation" as words have more than one meaning, and often, more than one importance.

_Yaoi_: Two (or more) males, often always physically beautiful, having hot passionate sex without protection or a seeming need of lubricant. See also, "penis envy."

_Yuri_: Two (or more) females engaging in sexual contact, and a commonly used device to explain a female character's sudden lack of attraction to a male character for "Plot" purposes. Normally leads to "Yaoi."

Now with these few founding terms, let's branch into several situations often encountered within writings on Naruto. Common hurtles to go flying ovre heedlessly:

**Character A is DEAD.**

This problem is quite easy to rectify. Simply set your fanfiction before this character died! If this proves unappealing, find a creative explanation for how this character really didn't die, just appeared to, and bring them back dramatically! If this is stretching your sense of intelligence, pull the "ghost defense." Ghosts can possess nouns as well as explain the probably tortured love between Character A and living Character B. If Character B is also deceased, no one cares. They're in Hell or Heaven or the Great Between.

**There is no canon evidence.**

Are they married with children? Are they macking on the ninja-couch? Are they buying flowers for each other and being commented on by others older and younger than themselves? Did Kishimoto expressly state A and B are involved? No? Few pairings are canon. Which means you get to invent connections! And claim they are obvious while you selectively interpret information to suit your ends! Everyone does it, so just remember - _you are always more right than everyone else._ This is why your A and B belong together, and this is the evidence to support it. They once shared a panel - **better** than enough! Their names share a letter? **Predestination!**

**I want babies, but A and B are both fe/male.**

MPreg is a well known solution. If you want to be realistic, Male!A and Male!B will be in an "Alternate Universe" set either in the future or present with the surgical procedure which gives the chosen "host" partner is given a proto-uterus. Present times, they'd likely die during the removal when the baby is mature to the point of being born. Future, who knows? Of course, who the heck wants to be limited by reality - ass babies happen all the time! Anatomical incorrectivity is only a minor point - to erase even this, Sexy no Jutsu your chosen host into pregnancy! Sealed demons also demonstrate a fantastic baby-retaining quality. Random menstruation and the appearance of a bleeding anus with the ability to spontaneously create a womb is also well recieved by fans everywhere! Like a magician, never fail to entirely explain the inner workings of your Male!A and Male!B pregnancy! It's all _magic._

FPreg is actually just pregnancy without a fancy letter needing to be attached to the front. Common ways of attaining FPreg involves penile penetration, wishful thinking, and kissing. In the event of the later, reveal later on how Female!A or Female!B really is from another planet, where kissing is a means of viable reproduction.

There are countless other examples. If you have any questions, feel free to ask! My Encyclopedic Mind is yours to question mercilously.

_Next time: All your individual pairing questions addressed! Seek justification for anything under the sun - or over it._

Suggestions desired for people to write through the blender first.


End file.
